Eternal
by the midnight requiem
Summary: When you have nothing left to live for yet all the time to live, what does it take to keep you walking when each step is all but empty?


_Eternal_

Summary: When you have nothing left to live for yet all the time to live, what does it take to keep you walking when each step is all but empty?

Warnings: language, minor spoilers, serious assumptions on my part, semi-AU, not beta-ed

Disclaimer: All material belongs to the rightful owners. I only wish I was that brilliant.

Notes: I wrote this after I read chapter 216. Any new manga updates have been ignored in this particular story.

…

Immortality is a concept that not many understand to its completion.

It's a cold, lonely life. Walking the streets that are constantly changing while seeing the world through ageless eyes; seeing those you love pass away in what seems like only a mere few days. It takes a heart of stone to keep intact the memories of the past and to keep moving forward without wearing away.

Allen Walker became a Noah in its purest form at the age of seventeen. Even now he could remember the day he entered the realm of eternity.

He had run away from the Order, only to be followed by a persistent Kanda and Johnny. They both supported him in different ways that happened to be quite annoying at first, but later became a great source of comfort. Johnny filled the role of a friend, something that Allen did not have an abundance of, especially after leaving the Order. He was always cheering Allen on, a smile upon his face at all times.

Kanda, on the other hand, never really was one for smiles. Instead, he offered his own type of support; he kept Allen sane when the fourteenth came around and through his biting, back-handed words, helped Allen to keep his dwindling passion from fading away completely. His harsh attitude and unwavering devotion to staying with him was a constant normalcy that Allen longed for. It was the best thing Kanda had ever done for him, despite the annoyance each pointless argument brings. Allen got the feeling that if he and Kanda hadn't met on such bad terms and the samurai didn't always have such a large stick up his ass, they might could have been something akin to friends. Kanda seemed to understand him in a way no one else ever achieved.

The three runaways settled into a routine, handling their makeshift business and keeping an eye out for any possible threat. One of those days Allen found himself chatting idly with Johnny, fixing some townspeople's gadgets while Kanda brooded somewhere nearby.

"I don't get why some people ask us to fix stuff like this watch! It's so easy, I could do it in my sleep," Johnny exclaimed after fixing said person's watch in under a minute.

"Tch. Not everyone's a fucking rocket scientist."

"And not everyone is an idiot like you, Bakanda," Allen replied as Kanda sauntered toward the table where he and Johnny were working.

"Also, I'm not a rocket scientist, Kanda! I'm just your average, run-of-the-mill scientist!" Johnny beamed, seeming perfectly content with being average.

"Goddamn, your even more annoying than baka Moyashi over here," Kanda said, jerking his hand in Allen's direction. "Do us all a favor and _shut the fuck up_."

"Kanda! What the hell is your issue? We were fine before you came along with your oh so helpful comments—note the sarcasm—so _please _ just go back to whatever you were doing before you decided to grace us with your ever foul presence."

"No asked for your damn opinion."

"And no one asked you to come bother us. You don't even help pay for food and rent!"

"I sold the silver off of my coat! Besides, all of my money stolen because of the carelessness of the idiot over there while we were looking for your ass. Try being thankful for once."

"Because you're such a shining example of gratefulness, Kanda." Allen smiled wryly, goading his frienemy even farther. Kanda seemed to have had it, as he promptly stomped off, though not before announcing a final,

"Fuck you."

Looking over at a shell-shocked Johnny, Allen said, "I can't _possibly_ understand why some people describe him as insufferable, can you?"

Johnny, still wide-eyed, just shook his head slowly.

This was one of Allen's last moments of contentment before all went to hell.

It happened a short while later that same day.

Innocence pulsing, cursed eye flashing, Allen ran out onto the streets only to come face to face with the Earl himself, his eerie default grin leaving a foreboding feeling within Allen. The Earl greeted him politely—or as politely as he could with a sword pointing in Allen's direction—as if he would an old friend.

"Fancy seeing you here, Allen Walker."

"I don't particularly fancy it myself, Millennium Earl." The grin on his opponent's face stretched even wider, if possible.

"No, I don't suppose you would, for this day will make history. Unfortunately for you, it won't be in your favor," the Earl said in his slimy drawl. "Unless, that is, Allen Walker, you stop resisting my dear Fourteenth and allow us to be reunited once again."

"Not a chance." Allen's eyes were hard, determined.

"Oh, well. Don't say I never gave you a choice." Before Allen even had a chance to retort, a garbled shout was heard as, suddenly, blood spattered across the Earl's normally impeccable, white coat.

Reveling in the macabre scene, the Earl revealed the broken body of Johnny Gill.

Anger filled every cell of Allen's body. Silver eyes turned golden, a bloody stigmata carved its way onto an infuriated brow. The fight was over before it began. The powers of the fourteenth had killed eleven Noahs in the past. He could handle just one.

Sword against sword, Noah against Noah, the fight went on for an indeterminable amount of time. The feeling of blood and sweat slicked his body as his hybrid heart beat in quick succession. While the Earl's smile was still in place, Allen could tell he was tiring as well.

It was only when the Earl let his sword fall a nearly imperceptible amount that Allen made the move. With one single thrust, Allen's sword buried itself into the heaving chest of the Millennium Earl. His dying opponent's eyes were upon him, widening in disbelief.

"You…used both…in...o...cence and the…Noah po…wers…how…how—"

The Millennium Earl was no more. Unbidden tears slid down Allen's face as he picked up Johnny's body and walked down the bloody street.

It was only later he realized what he'd become and the implications of it all.

Upon discovering Kanda's death at the hands of Apoclyphos, as well as those of many of the townspeople, Allen drew upon the Noah's power and ended Apoclyphos in seconds, a feat he couldn't have even dreamed of before. Tears of true anguish joined the tears of the Noah as Allen crumpled beside the corpse of his friend.

After his tears dried, a blank mask adorned his previously grieving face, forever silencing the feelings beneath. Allen lifted the both of the bodies of his former friends and carried them outside the town's walls. There by a large tree, he buried his friends, seeing their faces for the last time. "I'm so sorry," he whispered, laying a flower atop each grave, "Goodbye."

Leaving the bloodied town behind, Allen was never to be seen or heard of by the Order again.

Allen travelled the world largely unnoticed, much like his master before him. He found a median between his human heart and his Noah mind, though it was much more comfortable to spend his days immersed in the bliss of indifference derived from the fourteenth.

Allen still continued his job as an exorcist, for as he last told the Order, no matter what they proclaimed, he would always be an exorcist to the core. He came across akuma every now and then and took it upon himself to free their souls. He couldn't bring himself to end akuma using the commands of Noah to destroy them.

Other days Allen spent his time listening in for information on the Order's status in the war. No matter what he learned, though, no matter how horrible or hopeless, he never became involved with their issues. He was no longer one of them, he reasoned, so they shouldn't matter anymore.

It was easy to keep track of each of the Noah's deaths. After all, the involuntary tears falling down his cheeks were proof enough—not that he actually cared about his new family's deaths at all. It had taken only few months for the Noah's numbers to drop to about half, according to Allen's calculations. He thought the Noahs had probably given up hope after their seemingly untouchable Earl was killed.

Though the number of Noahs was down to a just a handful, the exorcist and finder ranks of the Order had been greatly depleted as well. The casualties of war were high, his sources provided. As he heard the names of many of his friends listed among the deceased, Allen couldn't help the pang in his heart, despite his growing indifference.

The true story of what had happened that bloody day and the whereabouts of Allen was really never solved by the Order. He heard all types of tales—Allen had died in a heroic attempt to save his friends, he was still alive but hunting down remaining Noah, he was plotting against the Order and will eventually come to destroy them (thank you, Levelier)—and Allen was just content that none of them were on his trail. Through the many months of war, the Order kept fighting and Allen kept hiding.

Allen would have been about nineteen when the war between the exorcists and Noah came to an official close. The Black Order disbanded after its original purpose had been fulfilled. The few surviving members scrapped together their old lives or started searching for a new one.

Allen was the last living Noah.

By now, Allen had spent nearly two years in solitude, mere stories his only companions. The news of the completed war brought him little happiness, for now Allen had lost any semblance of his old life. Most of his friends dead, his home destroyed, he had little to look forward to in the coming years.

Hearing of Lenalee's survival brought on extreme relief on Allen's part, though it took every ounce of strength he had not go running after her. Even though he had the power now to switch between his black and white form at will, Lenalee wouldn't like seeing him like this. Because Allen was not the same boy whom she first met outside the Order when he was fifteen.

_I don't care. I don't care. She is no longer my comrade. I am now alone. I don't care._

The mantra repeated endlessly in his head. Despite his words, the pull to see her just_ one last time_ was too strong. In a moment of weakness, Allen went against every warning in his head and he started looking for Lenalee.

After much searching and asking around, Allen came to a small, white house, complete with a manicured yard and architectural charm that spoke of Lenalee's gentle touch. He stood for hours in the vicinity of the house, wanting nothing more than to just see her but much too afraid to make a move.

As it was nearing dark, the slim figure of the girl he used to know so well came up the walk. Hidden in the shadows of the falling sun, Allen watched.

Lenalee, twenty-one now, was just as beautiful, if not more so, than when he last saw her; maturity suited her well. Her long hair reached just past her shoulder and swept her face as she rounded the corner. The clothes she wore were more conservative than he remembered, but still flattering. Allen could tell she was war-worn and tired, sad beyond belief, but nevertheless, with each step, the look in her eyes—it spoke of hope.

Lenalee quietly opened the door, not once seeing Allen, and stepped inside. He shifted positions a bit so he could see inside the bay window where Lenalee moved to greet someone. Her arms slid around a tall male figure whom Allen didn't recognize, as words of welcome slipped past her lips. Her hand found its way into his grip with ease and he smiled at her with obvious adoration. Their lips met in a short kiss before they headed farther into the house.

The display nearly brought a smile to Allen's face. Lenalee deserved someone like the man before her; she deserved this kind of peaceful life, free of war and strife.

It seemed that even Komui's death hadn't been enough to kill the happiness and life within Lenalee. She really was much stronger than anyone ever gave her credit for. Looking at the couple once more, silently wishing them a long, content life, Allen turned away. Seeing Lenalee like this, happy and taken care of, was the absolution Allen needed to continue moving forward.

And so he did.

A lifetime had passed before Allen could even blink an eye. With never-ending life ahead, time seemed to pass quite differently, in fact, it was non-existent. With the knowledge that anyone he had known in his previous time as an exorcist (or even before that, as a child) were now deceased after all these years, left an empty feeling within him. It was only now Allen could understand why the Noah clan had been so closely-knit.

It was difficult living in a world in which the immortal was ostracized. Any person would pass away in a time that would seem like only a day to Allen. The loneliness ate away at Allen and left him empty.

Yes, Allen reminded himself, relationships are only for the living.

The first and only time Allen tried to make a friend since becoming a Noah led only to a painful realization. The young man's name was Benjamin Munsey.

Allen spent many a year in England, a place he was quite familiar with. In the first few years after his decision to leave all remnants of his old life behind, Allen found himself working in a small, local bar to do something besides waiting (for _what_, he did not know). The feeling of nostalgia was overwhelming. The lilting accents, the sharp scent of alcohol.

It was here that Allen broke his habit of solitude.

"Hello, there. New here, are you?" A boy who appeared to be a few years older than Allen himself walked over to him, balancing a few drinks in his hands.

"Yes," Allen replied politely with a small smile. He stuck out his hand, only to retract it when he realized the other boy's hands were full. "I'm Allen Walker."

"Well, Allen Walker," he said with a smirk, "you seem to be a bit young to be working around here. How old are you anyways?" Allen's smile became sour as he heaved a sigh.

"While not as young as I appear, I am perfectly old enough to drink." It wasn't quite a lie. "Besides, if alcohol is what you're worried about, I'm just here to provide entertainment." Catching the other's uplifted eyebrow and disbelieving expression, Allen amended, "I'm a musician."

"Oh, right! The old guy that runs this place has been talking about something like that. It's about time this place tried something new," the boy said with an amused expression. "Well, sorry to be rude, but I've got to get back to working." He lifted the drinks to indicate them. Before turning away, the boy said, "By the way, I'm Benjamin. We should talk again sometime."

It was the first talk of many to come. Benjamin normally did most of the talking, for Allen was quite reserved and never offered up much on his side but Benjamin never seemed to mind.

Over the course of their two-year friendship, Allen found himself to be almost happy. He could talk to someone again. He could reach out and have human interaction. It helped to patch the gaping hole left by those he used to love so very much. They would talk about anything and everything—well, everything except Allen's condition.

So when the time for that came and the awkward questions arose, Allen tried his best to weave his way around them.

"How come you're already twenty-two and yet you don't look a day over 16?" Today was Allen's self-proclaimed birthday. Of course, it wasn't really. The truth of his birthday and all that came with it was just too much to talk about, even now. Allen wondered how he kept up his side of the relationship with so many lies on his part.

"I've always looked younger than I am," Allen replied with an uneasy grin, "My… friends used to always tease me." Benjamin almost looked surprised for a moment.

"Your friends, huh? You've never told me much about them." Allen grimaced. _There was a reason for that, Benjamin._

"Because there's not much to tell," Allen said, trying to end the conversation quickly. Benjamin was not so easily placated.

"Come on! There has to be something worth telling," Benjamin said, smiling over at him with that ever-amused look in his eye. "Who were they? What were they like?"

Allen remained silent. Benjamin's smile faded as he realized Allen was not willing to answer. "Well, anyways, we still have some of this cake left! I know what with how _you_ eat, this won't go to waste." The corner of Allen's mouth quirked up in agreement as he accepted the fork Benjamin offered to him.

"Of course it won't."

The following days proved unsettling for Allen. He knew he couldn't keep this up. Benjamin showed no signs of giving up on their unusual friendship and Allen wasn't too keen on it either. But he knew that if it lasted much longer, Allen could not keep up his façade of being normal like his friend.

So without any forewarning, Allen left his job resignation in the back room of the bar and left town exactly a week after the talk. He never came back.

While Allen continued his travels across Europe, he never once tried to make connections with anyone again_. It was best that way_, he thought, _people deserve better friends than me anyways. I'm naught but a broken person, bound by shackles of the past._

Allen was still in Europe when yet another war erupted. This time, the monsters were more metaphorical than anything.

World War II swept across the continent and Allen found himself useless in this battle. Innocence was nothing against these men, fighting for a belief in which they believed so strongly. So all in all, Allen kept out of the war, trying to ignore what was happening.

Until that day.

Tired of seeing so many Jews killed and oppressed, Allen took charge when he saw three soldiers beating a young boy.

Pulling one soldier's collar and promptly knocking him out with a blow to the head, the other two were quick to fall. Turning to the cowering, bloody boy, Allen asked, "Are you okay?"

The boy slowly lifted his head, afraid that Allen might have been yet another threat. When their eyes met, Allen gasped and reeled back.

"Johnny?!"

The boy looked just as startled and flinched when Allen yelled. His normally unruly hair was even more tangled and matted with blood and dirt. Any chubbiness Allen remembered was gone, leaving behind only skin and bones.

"Um, no, sir," he stammered, "My name is Adam."

That is when it hit Allen: this was Johnny's next life. It took him a few moments to reply.

"Ah, sorry. I mistook you for someone I used to know," Allen said in an uncomfortable tone. He didn't know how to handle this sort of situation. Johnny—Adam!—didn't seem to fare much better.

Making up his mind, Allen held out his hand. Adam stared at him with confusion. "Come on, now. I won't hurt you… Adam." Slowly, deliberately, Adam took his hand. Pulling him to his feet, Allen didn't let go as he started to walk away.

_What the hell am I doing? _he thought. It was a question that seemed to have no answer at that time.

Johnny stumbled at first, nervously looking back at the unconscious—or dead?—soldiers, but followed along willingly as he thought that he had no other choice. Allen continued on, not speaking. They eventually came upon a lone house on the outskirts of some woods. Finally, Johnny spoke.

"Um, sir—"

"Allen."

"Oh, well, _Allen_, can I ask what exactly you are doing?"

"You're staying with me for a while," Allen said, looking back with an emotionless glance. Adam jumped back, before wincing as he aggravated his injuries.

"You've already saved my life and this would be putting you in great danger! Don't do this, it's fine! I'm fine." Allen reached for his hand again and pulled him into the house.

"Go sit on the couch and wait. I'll get some food." Allen then left Adam in the middle of the room, very obviously ignoring Adam's previous outburst. Intensely uncomfortable in staying in Allen's home, Adam sat down gingerly on the couch as Allen reentered.

"Here's some porridge I made this morning. It's a bit cold, but it will fill you up." Adam took the bowl, staring into it as Allen went to work on some of his more obvious injuries. Allen looked up when he realized Adam wasn't eating.

"Eat it," he said. "I have plenty more." Adam looked up from the bowl.

"Why are you doing this?"

Allen thought for a moment. Yes, _why. _It was a good question and one he didn't understand himself. Allen knew the ramifications of forming friendships with those who were still living a mortal life. Besides, the boy before him wasn't Johnny Gill. He lived a completely different life, different experiences. He was younger than the Johnny Allen knew. Yet, he still couldn't leave the boy there, beaten and broken.

"I want to make up for mistakes I've made in the past, Adam," Allen replied, a faraway look in his eyes. "I didn't want you to suffer due to my own decisions or lack thereof." They sat in silence a bit longer; Adam finally started to eat when Allen went to sit on the chair opposite to him.

Weeks settled in and Adam was obviously feeling more comfortable. Allen spent most of his time watching the younger boy, seeing Johnny in many of his actions.

Adam was very inquisitive, once he got over being shy. He questioned everything and wanted to know how everything worked. Allen took to teaching him things, if he knew how. Adam was also very loyal. He constantly wanted to know if Allen was alright, why he looked so sad, if he would be better soon. Soon enough, he started calling Allen his friend. Allen's heart ached with memories.

"Adam," he said one day. It had been about three years since Allen had found Adam and took him in. Things had progressed a lot between them, as well as events in the war, but Allen was still on edge. "Do you ever wonder why I never change?" Allen tensed as the question hit open air. He didn't want a repeat of what happened with Benjamin. This time, he would settle if before it was too late.

"Yes."

"Do you want to know why?"

"No."

And that was the end of that.

Adam always dismissed any strange occurrences that happened when Allen was around. He didn't question the weird room he hid in that always appeared when German soldiers came knocking. He didn't care why he now looked so much older than Allen, despite being younger when they first met. None of it mattered to Adam except the fact that his companion was the kindest man he had ever met.

Allen felt much more at ease at Adam's declaration that he honestly could care or less that Allen was a bit off. The days seemed to pass even more quickly after that.

The war finally ended years later and Adam cried when he realized he could be free. He spoke of adventures he and Allen could take, seeing things that Adam had never had the chance to see, do things he never was allowed to before. He spoke of going to school and learning to be a scientist.

"I'm not coming with you."

"What?" Johnny quickly turned when he heard Allen's quiet announcement interrupting his future plans. "What do you mean you aren't coming? There's so much to do and so little time! I mean, we can't live forever. We have to take advantages like this!"

Allen smiled bitterly.

"Adam, you need to find your own dreams. You need to see the world yourself and you don't need me there every step of the way. It's time for you to find your own way and your own life. And it's time for me to find mine." Tears threatened to fall from Adam's eyes as Allen stepped closer. Hesitating slightly, Allen leaned forward and embraced Adam, Johnny for the first and last time. "Go live."

Allen pulled back to see tears streaming in earnest down his friend's face. He wiped the tears from one of Adam's cheeks and walked out the door. The last words he heard were "Thank you, Allen. Thank you so much."

Allen had condemned Johnny in his past life, his words and actions a death sentence for the other man. This time, Allen had saved Adam's life by his own choices. That was the true reason for his prolonged protection of his friend; that was what allowed him to keep going.

Throughout his time spent with Johnny Gill's reincarnation, Allen began to wonder if others he knew would be in their next life by now, or if he had already missed them. Could one of his friends' souls not have reincarnated at all? It's not as if Allen knew the rules of the afterlife and all it entailed. Allen secretly hoped he would get the chance to see the faces he had been missing all these years—not that they would remember him.

Allen also wondered what he would do if he _did_ encounter someone else. With Johnny, he at least had a reason to be around him and care for him. What if the next person he saw would be just a glimpse? What excuse could he give for remaining around them?

Allen shook himself from his roundabout thoughts. None of that mattered. He wouldn't give himself the opportunity to engage with anyone he may encounter. Johnny just happened to work out, for Allen had a debt to repay him. It just wouldn't make sense with anyone else.

Allen reasoned with himself that he earlier vowed to leave his past behind when the war between exorcist and Noah had ended. Despite the constant back and forth arguments in his head, Allen kept thinking about the possibility of seeing his friends again. It was just too tempting.

He found himself constantly watching people around him. As Allen travelled, he was constantly hyper-aware of each person that passed, subconsciously checking to see if one of them was an old acquaintance. After a few years of this practice, Allen began to lose hope in the search.

Instead he found ways to try to occupy the empty years. Switching from job to job, moving constantly, and even changing continents, Allen hopelessly looked for something worthwhile. Memories of his friends plagued his thoughts, though; they were so much more pressing and painful now that they had resurfaced from their previously repressed state after his encounter with Johnny. Desolate thoughts his only solace, Allen trudged through the impending, endless days.

In what would have been over one hundred years of age, Allen was wasting away.

His body was perfectly in shape, for he still appeared as he did back when he truly was seventeen. One just looking at him would never guess the burdens weighing down on the now-old exorcist. Some habits die hard, as they say.

It was easier, in a way, to fool people. While Allen could no longer conjure an easy-going smile at the passerby, or engage in light conversation with a total stranger, he didn't have to, for he didn't know anyone personally anymore. There just wasn't a single person left for him to fool. As lonely as it was having friends who knew little of your true self, it was much better than having no one at all.

His deceased foster father's undying words "Don't stop, keep walking" became nothing but a twisted joke.

It was around this time of honest despair that Allen found a small light to help him remember some semblance of life.

Allen had previously given up any sort of search for his former comrades and friends after none of his work came to fruition. It was only when he wasn't looking did he actually come upon what he was looking for in a small city in twenty-first century America.

Lurking in the depths of an ancient bookstore, an eclectic man in his late thirties happened to catch Allen's eye. More specifically, the man's unruly, bright red hair and strangely contrasting green eyes.

Allen cautiously entered the building, hardly daring to hope what his heart was so adamantly suggesting. He had only seen the man across the road, so Allen hadn't had that good of a view. But still, if there was any possibility this person was who Allen thought he was there was only one way to find out.

The man suddenly turned upon hearing the door creak open from Allen's entrance. They both came face to face.

_It can't be! That's…_

Taking a step forward, a strange mix of emotions evident in his eyes, Lavi softly asked, "Allen? Is that you?"

Allen stood stock still, unbelieving.

The strangely older version of Lavi let out a strangled laugh as a smile split across his face. "Of course it's you! Who else has that same hair and scar?!" Before waiting for Allen to respond, Lavi embraced him with all his might. "You're the sixth now," he whispered quietly in Allen's ear. "I'm so glad."

When Allen still hadn't made any move to speak or acknowledge what the other was saying, Lavi freaked out, assuming Allen didn't understand. "Shit! You don't remember do you?" Jumping back and running a hand through his hair, Lavi stressed, "Geez. I'm so sorry." His eyes looked regretful and forlorn as he hung his head.

Finally calming down and looking back up, the red haired man looked at Allen with a serene, smiling face. "I'm terribly sorry for the first impression, sir. I mistook you for someone else. Can I help you with a book today?"

Staring at him just a slight bit longer, Allen finally choked out, "L-Lavi?"

Allen could hardly believe it. Lavi was here and he _remembered. _

An easy grin found its way onto Lavi's face once again. "So you were just so shocked to see my gorgeous face once again you could hardly speak? Completely understandable, my friend." Walking up to Allen and placing an arm around his shoulder, he said in a warm tone, "Welcome back, Allen."

Lavi quickly started to chatter on about life in his bookstore, things he remembered, and day-to-day activities he took part in. The thing that caught Allen's attention, though, was the news that Lavi had found many others of their past friends.

"You mean to say that here, in this town, you found other members of the Order?" Allen asked, feeling anxious.

"Well, yeah. There's Lenalee and Komui, Reever, Miranda, and Mari. They all live around this general area and I was just lucky enough to run into them one day." Allen was struck by how much he had missed. These people had been so close for so long, yet he was so lost that he eventually stopped looking for a way out. "Most of them go by different names now, you know, new life, new name and all that.

"My birth name this time around is Conor O'Malley—turns out I'm Irish-American!—I generally go by Lavi though. I guess I can never resist the temptation of an alias even now, huh, Al? Well, I'm not really the only one to revert back to my old name Komui decided he liked his old name better too. But, like I said before, the others all go by new names now so when you meet them for the 'first time,' make sure that you use the name they give you. The ones that don't remember anything—that would be everyone except me, Komui, and Miranda—get confused real easily. I slipped up a few times in the beginning but you eventually get used to it, so don't worry—"

Lavi certainly hadn't lost his ability to ramble on about anything and everything. Allen was content just to hear his friend's voice and know that in the near future he could actually see some of the others. He wondered when he stopped caring about his indifference and solitude.

After prattling on for a bit longer, Lavi finally stopped and Allen's head snapped up, confused as to why he did. Lavi's eyes bore into Allen's as if deciphering some sort of code. He really hadn't changed too much.

"You have, though." Allen's brows furrowed. He must have said his previous thoughts aloud. "Your smile's faded and you look so tired. What's made this life so horrible for you?" Allen hesitated, wondering if he should tell the truth.

"A lot… has happened."

"'Tis life, kid," Lavi said with a small smile. "Really, though. I can remember pretty much everything from when we were exorcists all those years ago. Looking back on it, our lives were absolute hell. Even though I remember how I felt back then, even though I hated what we were forced to do and I couldn't bring myself to love or care, this time around I have all the opportunities I missed out on as an exorcist." Lavi put down the book he had been holding and grabbed Allen's hand. "Use your chance at a new life. You don't have to forget what happened—just try to move on."

"I can't, Lavi."

"And why's that?"

"Because I never got another chance."

"Look, Al. I know it's hard when you have the burden of having to remember when people around you don't. But, in a way, it helps me to connect and have a bond with others that do. Weirdly enough, Komui actually will talk to me civilly without trying to kill me for getting close to Mae!—I mean Lenalee." He laughed softly. "I know how you used to be, Allen. Don't be so hard on yourself. We all deserve this new life that we've been given."

"You don't understand."

"Yes, I do."

"No, you don't!" Allen yelled, feeling truly angry for the first time since he was human. "You don't know how long I've been dealing with this! The guilt, the shame, the horror. You don't understand… how… lonely it… is…"

Lavi's suddenly widened in understanding. "Oh my God," he said. "You never died…"

Allen's gaze dropped. "I became the fourteenth Noah."

He waited for Lavi's fear, the screaming, the attack. He waited for the accusations and cutting words. But those reactions never came.

"You don't have to be alone anymore, Allen." He looked up, stunned by Lavi's words.

And Allen cried.

Sitting in the middle of the old deserted library, the nearly one-hundred-year-old boy truly cried. The years of loneliness and solitude were nothing but memories as he heard those words. _You don't have to be alone anymore_. All those years of self-loathing and seething hate lessened in the light of his old friend's lack of reaction. _I don't care if you're a Noah—you were my friend first._

The two sat in an immeasurable amount of silence has Allen's tears came to cease. Drying his face on the sleeves of his white shirt, Allen slowly stood up. Lavi still had that grin that never left his face as he patted Allen's back.

"There's still two more hours until closing and I've still got some major cleaning to do," Lavi said, gesturing to the stacks of books by his desk that needed to be sorted. "After that, though, we can go get some dinner. I think it's about time we sit down and have a serious chat. There is so much to talk about, don't you think?"

With a small smile Allen replied, "Yes, that sounds good."

"Sweet! Italian food sounds fantastic right about now," Lavi exclaimed as he picked up the first pile of books.

"Do you need any help with those?"

"Nah, this'll be a piece of cake once I actually sit down and do the—AH!" Lavi tripped over one the remaining pile of books as he made his way around the desk. "Um, okay, maybe I could use another hand to help move these out of the way," he said sheepishly, eyeing the books now scattered across the floor. Allen laughed, a hollow laugh, but a laugh all the same, as he went to the aid of the eccentric librarian.

Two hours passed quickly enough what with Lavi's antics and attempts to cheer his friend up. Allen could see Lavi's attitude toward life hadn't changed that much. The only big difference was that Lavi actually expressed himself now; he wasn't bound the Bookman's code. Well, that and the fact that Lavi was nearly twice the age that Allen appeared to be.

After locking up and leaving the bookstore, Allen and Lavi picked up a quick to-go meal to take back to Lavi's house. Allen found the convenience of food nowadays to be comparable to Jeryy's cooking speed.

Lavi apparently hadn't forgotten Allen's extreme appetite, for which the boy was glad. They ate quietly at first, as both were hungry from the day's activities. Finally finishing, Allen was surprisingly the first to speak.

"Can you tell me a bit about the others?"

"Oh, yeah! I'll introduce you soon. They're a bunch of fun—but I guess I don't need to tell _you_ that. So to help you catch up, Lenalee, Mari, and Reever don't remember their past lives at all. It was kind of awkward at first because I met Lenalee before I saw any of the others. I automatically assumed she'd remember me too… but all I got from the first conversation was a punch, if you can believe it!" Lavi laughed at the memory.

"Why do you think some remember and some don't?" Allen asked, fingering his fork on an empty plate.

"Eh, dunno. Could be any sort of reason. There are different degrees of it, too. While Komui and I remember pretty much all of our past life, Miranda only remembers faces and a few tiny details. It's taken awhile to get us all to where we are now."

"So how do you deal with the ones who don't know anything?"

Lavi sighed, scratching his head where a green headband used to sit. "We don't talk about exorcist stuff around them. The six of us all get together for dinner and a movie on Friday's when we can so that we keep in contact—it's great. Anyways, it was easy to get Lenalee to come along since her brother was so adamant about coming, and Miranda is always so agreeable, but Mari took some convincing 'cause we were such an odd group."

"Odd group?"

"Hehe… yeah. It's so weird now because I'm the oldest out of all of them."

"Seriously? How old are you anyways?"

"Allen! It's rude to ask that of your elders! How dare you!" Lavi said, shaking his finger jokingly at him. Allen blanched before Lavi relieved him. "Ah, I'm totally kidding. I'll be turning thirty-seven this year." Allen shook his head, not believing that Lavi could be so mature yet immature at the same time.

"And you said the others were younger?"

"Yep. So Komui just graduated college and is getting into robotics or something. Totally fits, right? And Mari just started college—different college, though—and has an undecided major. Miranda is a bit younger than me, only thirty, and she's got a steady job a day care center. Strangely enough, she's great with kids, though you'd never expect it. Now Reever's a senior in high school, which normally would be the weirdest thing ever, except for the fact that Lenalee just celebrated her twelfth birthday. That takes the cake—pun totally intended."

"Wow. That's going to take a while to soak in."

"Tell me about it! So remember how I said Lenalee kicked me when I first saw her? Yeah, well, when I first met her I was at the local middle school since they recently ordered some new English books. I was leaving the office and, coincidentally, the way back to my car passed the cafeteria. Surprise, surprise, Lenalee was getting ready to enter the cafeteria and I saw her walking with some of her friends. I kinda did a double take before I, being the impulsive person I am, reached out and grabbed her shoulder—huge mistake, I tell you. Middle school girls are damn _scary_ when they wanna be—and in reaction to seeing that I was some unknown, adult male that could possible hurt her or something (Komui trained her well), she punched me right in the face!" Lavi rubbed at his eye for dramatic effect. "Al, I seriously had a black eye for a solid _week_. It was only later I came across Komui who, thank God, actually knew who I was and sorted it all out. Now I'm like the uncle or something that little Lenalady never had!"

"That's… unfortunate."

"Oh, yeah it was. She thought I was a stalker at first. It was hilarious." Both settled into a comfortable silence, enjoying the other's company after so long. Lavi stared at Allen for quite a while, studying him as if by extended contact he could extract answers without asking questions. Since this was impossible, he had to break the ice. "So now that you know a bit about what I've been up to nowadays, is it okay for me to ask about you?"

Allen was a bit apprehensive, but felt the pull of wanting to rely on someone after keeping everything inside for so long. "Yes." Lavi waited, hoping he would elaborate. After he didn't, Lavi prodded a bit more.

"What have you been doing for the past… how many years now?"

"I lost count really. I think I'm around one hundred, give or take several years. I stopped aging when I was seventeen. And I've just been… traveling. Seeing stuff."

"More travelling than we did as exorcists?" Lavi asked jokingly.

"Oh, no. I went at my own pace and settled down every now and again. Much more pleasant than the constant moving around and looking over your shoulder travelling."

"I bet. That would have been nice to actually sight-see. We could have actually learned something on our missions!" Lavi laughed lightly, enjoying the moment. He suddenly stiffened a bit, looking more serious than before. "Allen," Lavi said, looking hesitant, "I'm sorry to ask about this and you really don't have to answer if you don't want to."

"It's alright. Just ask."

"Um… can you tell me about what happened that day?" Allen knew exactly what he meant by 'that day.'

And 'that day' was the very last thing Allen ever wanted to think about again. But for Lavi's sake, he deserved to know.

Sighing, Allen started, "Kanda and Johnny stayed by my side despite everything that was going on within the Order. I didn't really get why, but I appreciated it all the same. They both became so very dear to me…" He paused for a minute, trying to get a grip on himself. "Then the Millennium Earl came."

"I didn't know Johnny had followed me when I ran out to meet the Earl. I told him as I was running out the door _not_ to, but he did anyways… and… and… after I declined the Earl's offer to join him, he slaughtered Johnny in a second. It was… sick. And it was entirely my fault. I was so angry, so upset that the Noah within me started to unhinge and before I knew it, I was drawing upon its powers. It was during the battle that my innocence and the Noah melded somehow and I became a full-fledged Noah," Allen spat bitterly. "I hated myself. I hated what I'd become.

As if to make matters worse, Kanda had been murdered by Apoclyphos, the protector of the Heart, a man who had been hunting me relentlessly. That was my fault too. Earlier that same day I told Kanda to leave us alone and he did… if I hadn't told him to go then we would have been together when the Earl attacked and Kanda wouldn't have been left to deal with my problems by himself…" Allen stopped to gather his scattered thoughts. "I… I buried them and then… left town. That's it. That's the real story."

Allen took deep breaths, wishing this topic had never been brought up. Lavi looked on sympathetically.

"While you're a strong person, Allen, both in mind and body, you don't have the strength to save everyone. Especially when you're wasting away yourself."

Allen nodded, not really listening. Lavi decided to leave any other questions for a later notice, seeing the large toll it was taking on his long-time friend. The rest of the night was spent in silence, both in thoughts of the past and prayers for the future.

Allen was granted enthusiastic permission from Lavi to stay in his too-large-for-one apartment until further notice. Allen thought Lavi was probably glad for the company seeing as he was neither married or had family to speak of.

The week passed in days of book sorting and customer serving as Allen helped Lavi with day-to-day tasks in the bookshop. It was Friday afternoon when Lavi reminded him of the event in which Allen was so excited and nervous about.

"Guess what, Al? Tonight's the night! We're meeting for dinner slash movie night with the rest of the ex-exorcists," Lavi explained jubilantly. "Oh, I suppose there are the ex-scientists, too," he tacked on as an afterthought. "And some of 'em will probably bring significant others and such."

"Right," Allen muttered. "I almost forgot."

"Oh, no you didn't. You're just a little freaked is all. Trust me, you'll fit right in. They'll be glad to see you!"

"Mhmmm."

"I'm serious. Don't be so uptight."

Sure enough, Allen later found himself standing at the door to Komui's home with a tray of frozen lasagna in his arms. He couldn't believe this was actually happening. Only a week ago he'd felt like he had nothing to live for, that the only things he'd accomplished in life was complicating situations and hurting those he loves. He was a few seconds from completely losing it.

"Relax, kid," Lavi said as he placed a comforting hand on Allen's shoulder. He knocked at the door obnoxiously to which Allen winced.

Opening the door, a loud voice complained, "Lavi, you do only have to knock once and I'll come get the door—" Komui froze as he laid eyes on the white haired boy.

Allen took in the man before him; he looked so different than the kooky scientist he remembered. Komui now had long hair nearly as reaching nearly as far as Kanda's tied back in a low ponytail. He wore no glasses or beret, instead opting for very average-looking clothes that Allen thought was very atypical of the normally strange man.

Komui snapped out of it quickly, shutting the door behind him as he stepped outside to join Allen and Lavi.

"This is Allen, who goes by the name Allen. I found him about a week ago and he's been hanging around ever since," Lavi explained, saving Komui the difficulty of trying to find the right words to phrase his questions. "He's like us, so don't worry. Al here is in the loop!" he said throwing an arm around an awkwardly stiff Allen, still clutching the lasagna in his arms.

"It's wonderful to see you again, Allen. I've been wondering if you had reincarnated or not, though, if you did, I would have had no idea where to look. Who knew you'd be right under our noses?" Komui offered a warm smile as he opened the door again. "Welcome back to the family."

Allen cracked a smile, replying, "It's good to be here."

Upon entering the house, Allen could see that they were the last arrivals. Lenalee, Reever, and a girl that he didn't recognize sat on the couch watching a program on television and chatting. Miranda could be seen (and heard) running about the kitchen, apologizing for the plates she knocked over. Mari was by her side, assuring her it was fine as he helped pick them up. Another unidentifiable man was leaning against the counter with a mug in his hands, watching the scene in the kitchen with mild amusement.

Intent on making a scene as they entered the entertaining area, Lavi announced, "Hey, everyone! I'm here and I brought along the new guy. Introduce yourself, buddy!" He pushed Allen forward, ignoring the panicked look on his friend's face.

"Er… hello. I'm Allen Walker. It's a pleasure to meet you all," he said, bowing slightly.

"Wow, you have such great manners!" piped up the stranger on the couch, breaking the silence that followed Allen's introduction. "I haven't met a single man who bows nowadays. It's pretty cute, if you ask me." She stood up and came over to greet Allen. "I'm Samantha," she said, holding out her hands. "And I can take that dish, if you want." Allen handed the lasagna over to her.

"Thank you, Samantha." She smiled again at him.

"Jonathan!" she called out as she headed to the kitchen. "You should take a few tips from this guy; he sure knows what he's doing when it comes to the ladies." She winked over at Allen conspiratorially.

"Hey, now," Jonathan—or Reever, as Allen soon realized—said. "I've got plenty of good qualities."

"I'm with Sam on this one," a new voice intoned. "The new boy is much cuter than you, Jonathan."

"Nooooooooo!" Komui could be heard calling from his place near the door. "My precious Mae, you aren't supposed to be interested in boys until you're at _least_ forty and even then you must be careful because boys can be nasty creatures who could use you for their own personal, horrible gain and it would be better if you just stay single for the rest of your—"

It seemed as though Komui hadn't outgrown his sister-complex tendencies.

"Brother…"

"Hey, Komui, forty is way too old for a girl to be looking for a husband because she will totally not be a 'strike' by that point. So it would be a complete waste of time," said Lavi in his typical lecherous manner.

"But—

"No. For the sake of all of us, drop it. On a completely separate note, we're being rude to our new friend over here! Only a few of us have introduced ourselves."

A small girl that Allen recognized as Lenalee waved from her spot on the sofa. "I'm Mae. But I think you could guess that from my brother's shouting."

"No need to be mean, dear Mae," Komui grumbled.

"Hey, there. I'm Jonathan, as introduced by my girlfriend," called Reever as said girlfriend waved from the kitchen.

The man by the counter was next. "Evander Watkins. Over there in the kitchen is my wife, Adele Watkins." Miranda raised her hand in recognition, quickly turning back to her task of cooking. Allen smiled over at her, pleasantly surprised that she had decided to marry and actually found someone who could deal with her odd tendencies.

"Hello, Allen Walker," the largest man in the room, Mari, said. "I'm Marcus. I'm glad you could make it. Lavi told me there would be someone new joining us."

Seeing the faces of his late comrades in the flesh and blood was truly heart-warming, despite his original ideas that it would be detrimental. Unlike Benjamin, who would never understand his world or why he never aged, these people would know him without much explanation. Unlike Johnny's reincarnation, Adam, who had a large life ahead of him that would be better without Allen following behind, these people would be content with whatever Allen felt like giving them. Here Allen felt no pressure to be something he wasn't, no obligations tying him down. This is what he'd been looking for, been waiting for. This was his reason for living and to _not stop and keep walking_.

The night proved to be just as Lavi predicted. Allen did feel as if he fit in among this new-age group and he found himself forgetting his past worries and hesitations.

Dinner commenced around a large family-style table that included the frozen lasagna that Allen and Lavi brought, fresh green beans, mashed potatoes painstakingly made by Adele, and chocolate cake courtesy of Mae. The group talked and laughed, effortlessly including Allen into the conversations and making him feel as if he'd been alongside them from the beginning.

Mae insisted that they all watch a Disney movie to which she argued "Even you adults can never be too old for Aladdin!"

They all acquiesced and situated themselves about the room, all fighting for the best spots. Allen ended up between Mae and Jonathan on the couch.

Shortly after the movie was over, Jonathan and Samantha took their leave and Marcus was soon to follow. Mae had fallen asleep on Allen's shoulder sometime during the course of the movie, so Komui carried her to bed once the crowd had moved.

Adele had quietly come over to give Allen a fleeting embrace once no one who wouldn't understand the significance behind it would see. "It's been so long, Allen."

"I know," Allen replied, giving her a squeeze in return. As she pulled back, Adele waved at the others before taking her husband's arm and going home. Lavi came up beside Allen, waiting for his opinion on the night's events.

"This was worth it. Thank you, Lavi."

"No, thank _you_, Allen Walker." At the questioning gaze coming from Allen, Lavi continued, "Thanks for sticking around and giving us the opportunity to see you again. It meant a lot to us, even to those who don't realize it yet."

Allen left that night knowing his days wouldn't be so empty anymore.

His prediction was true. More than Allen even expected, really—he was always busy doing something nowadays. Allen still helped Lavi in the bookshop some afternoons, other times he would go over to Komui's house and help Mae with her homework. And of course, Friday nights became the highlight of every week.

Allen eventually got his own apartment after he became tired of mooching off of Lavi. As Mae was entering her senior year of high school and Marcus and Jonathan had graduated college, Allen saw less of his friends as they became more involved in their own personal lives. Marcus had actually moved across the country for a job and only called every now and then.

Mae took to hanging around Allen as much as she could. She, like those Allen was around on a regular basis, had stopped questioning long ago why Allen always looked the same. She trusted both his and Komui's judgment on the fact that she didn't need to worry about it.

The one time Mae did ask about his lack aging, it was comical than anything else.

She and Allen had been out at lunch one afternoon, enjoying the time Mae had off of school temporarily. A mischievous smile lit her face as an idea came to mind.

"I noticed Allen that you're impossibly pale and so very strong. You're eyes change color and… sometimes you speak as though you're from a different time." Mae paused dramatically as Allen looked up in alarm. "You're a vampire… aren't you?"

Allen looked absolutely dumbfounded as Mae burst into laughter.

"You're reading those _Twilight_ books again, aren't you?" Allen said, smirking as he recovered from his temporary panic.

"You got me. Though it is weird because I've noticed that you share some similar qualities with Edward." She lifted a brow in questioning.

"Please do excuse me if I happen to find that absolutely revolting." Mae just laughed again. "Do you really wonder about me that much?"

Finally sobering, Mae thought about it. "No, not really, I suppose," she said. "In all honesty, I have always liked the fact that you've transitioned from an almost big brother figure—so much cooler than Komui—to like, my best friend ever."

Allen looked at her in shock. "Best… friend?"

Mae rolled her eyes. "Duh. Who else can I make dumb jokes with and give all my secrets to without them telling Komui? Of course you're my best friend."

Allen's slowly melting heart warmed that much more.

He watched as Mae grew older. He attended her graduation ceremony and was the best man at her wedding. Lavi, who now resembled Bookman, was never far behind, always making inappropriate jokes and being the comic relief for every situation. Komui just cried, while Allen and Lavi were tasked with keeping him calm during the wedding.

He watched his friends age and grow old, as he never would. Allen saw them less often, but they welcomed him with open arms each time he came around.

The past years of lasting memories made the pain of his friends' passing much more bearable. Knowing they would be back again in the near future left Allen something to look forward to. He finally had a meaning for each step he took.

And so Allen began the walk once again.


End file.
